broken

can it be broken
if it was never made
in the lines, in these lines?
can you break namelessness
until it is named
on this line, in this line?

i turn around,
make up the future,
hope for the worst,
smoked in the pain,
i breathe it to become now,
mix it up,
churn it down.

my broken eyes,
turn what i saw
as my past,
into what i saw
in my future,
which is now.

which is now.

we are,
and these moments are this time.
not last time,
not another time.
and what do they mean
this time?

i haunted us,
by our future,
by my past,
one in the same now,
now in the same one.

taking for granted

it doesn't matter
which way i'm facing or what
lies i'm believing..

telling myself. i'm
still taking you for granted.
i'm in control.

right. but it feels wrong.
do i need you? i'm
starting to believe

the things i've said here.
i start to do it again..
but when your away,

when the granted is
that your gone, and i'm left here,
how will i see you?

hang up.

disappointment.
sorrow.
anger.
what did i expect?
why did i think this time would be different?

why did i hope you would come?
why did i let those hopes soar,
didn't i know you would flake?
why did i wish,
why did i think,
why did i believe something had changed
for the better.

i made chocolates for everyone,
peppermint bark.
the brown paper bag,
is empty now,
all except for your box.
i gave them away,
the named boxes,
and those of whom never came,
we ate.
all except for the chocolate in your box.

why did i keep it there,
why didn't i let us eat it,
why didn't i give yours away,
but someone else's?

why am i holding on to you?
why am i grasping for what we had,
what electrified us?
why will i not let it die?
why do i believe love can't die,
cause i know thats what it was,
for a part of it.
i know it, i felt it, you felt it.
we fell in it, our hands grasped.
i swear i was in love with you,
for even the smallest bit.

we were dreamers,
what are we now?

broken?

what are you afraid of?
why did you lie?
i see it, now
the falsity, right?
just to get me off.
us off.
yourself off?
why do you hate us so?
do you hate yourself too?
what drives you to kill it?
everything,
everything.


hello?, i know its you. but the scary thing is, i didn't recognize your voice.

changes, changes, changes.

did you recognize mine?

in that voice that you may or may not have recognized, i said some stupid stuff. what are you doing?

click..

click..

click..

why didn't you hang up?

i was waiting for that.

you wouldn't talk, but you wouldn't leave it either.

what was said there in that silence?

don't think about it, kenzie. you need to accept what he wants, right? you want this too, you better. right?
thats what i tell myself. don't keep believing in a lasting love among us. don't. why would you? how could you?

but oh.

oh, i know its horrible
but i'm feeling it.
i feel
stringy
gangly
crunchy
gross.
but oh.
but oh.
wheres the harm?
this is missing.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
i call it what i wanted.
all these
eleven,
twelve ages
to get through
to get through to you
past the elephant
that guards you.
guards me.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
oh i beat it,
i won this round.
i had the victory.
i had the higher ground.
i stood above
i stood above you.
oh, i had you,
broke you,
tore you apart.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
to have had you begging,
i didn't taste it till now
the words didn't connect with
what is me.
what is me.
honestly, i didn't know i mattered,
honestly, oh power.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
i thought it would feel so much..
better than this,
better than this.
but now that chapter is gone,
and so is your touch.
as we have understood.
i must admit to some fear
in this one uncertainty.

i know it is horrible...
i am feeling it.

singular moments: the sand and the strangeness

the wreckage leaves me aching.

i screwed it up, something is not right.

its him, hes gone now, and what have i done?

its you, whats with us now, my friend?

no words this time.

they surround you, all of them, am i one of them? all you can do is hold your head in your hands, they back away and i defend you from the glaring sun, my fingers through your hair, you need comfort, you need protection, i will try to be here for you. i'll try to be with you.

your foot. between my two feet, there is space though, inches on either side. it moves, it rubs the side of my shoe on its way to push the sand. push the sand against my other foot. pat, pat.

my feet, your foot.
touching.

you stop though, abruptly.

you look up into my eyes.. why am i melting?

this shouldn't be happening, not here, not now.. not us, not like this.

but it is.

but its not.

something is happening, quickly and breathlessly.

was it their coming, their commotion, was it the pushing the shoving?

or was it me?
just being there?

you leave. i leave. we're gone.


its not the same for the rest of this day, the eye contact is fleeting..

i feel unsure.

singular moments: i'm with you.

(before: the people around me and that one guy repeatedly ask, are you two going out? how many times must i tell them no? thats all i say, no fighting now. that one guy turns to me however, are we?. didn't i explain to him why we weren't, i actually let him in on the pain, and.. oh they just don't listen. i scurry away to you.)

the top of your head against my temple,
your forehead against my cheekbone,
we lean into each other as we whisper.

we are the loudest whisperers in the world.

i don't really mind in this moment however,
part of me wants our subject to overhear.

why is your boyfriend still here?, you say with a tad bit of venom.

he's not my boyfriend., i say automatically, i've been saying it repeatedly. i want you to know who he's not.

well then, why is that guy still here?

i don't know. why don't you like him?

he always shoves me over and takes my spot so he can sit by you. who is he anyways? i felt a tinge of.. something on that one. good questions..

i told him i was crazy, he said crazy was fine as long as its not weird crazy. oh well, i knew it was over before it began.

later.

he's really starting to piss me off, he won't leave me alone. whoops. why did he have to walk by? no matter, i'm glad you heard it, you were there.

later.

i'm angry, you follow me as i storm out. you ask me why i'm upset, pissed; you just have to look into my eyes.

talk talk talk.

i'm with you. me: blank.

i'm with you. i just smile, what am i supposed to do? has anyone ever said that to me? besides, all the other guy can manage is, cute hat. give me a break.

(but what do i want?)

where can i go?

where can i go to scream
and no one will hear me,
no one will worry or wonder or wish?
i'll sound my voice out
ringing over mountains
and valleys
and rivers and branches of trees,
not these schools surrounding,
with their processes
to perfectly squelch our spirits,
not the tastes i can't exude,
not the loves i cannot give,
not the fires i cannot light,
not the eyes brimming
with sadness
and no way to dry them.
somewhere for me,
where i can hear myself.

maybe someone will feel me,
the vibrations of my voice;
the breath coursing in a single,
wild burst;
the air swelling out of my lungs
to you, to the people, to the wonders,
to fill the earth up,
or my world, our world
(what world is that?)
with my myriad of wobbling, worn out passions.

where can i go to howl out of myself
to release this anguish and anger and fight
these frightening falsities and fantasies
and everything blocking my throat?

where can i be myself and just let all this out,
explode and not crumble
stand and stay fast to the earth
as i release in a yawp the darkness inside me
so i can renew and replenish and patch up
the holes it has speared through my soul?

where can i go?

once i'm all yelled out,
and still no one can hear me,
or see me,
or leave me,
or love me.
once i have quieted and
the darkness of my soul has
evacuated,

i shall float
and flit
and flounce
out of my mind,
out of myself,
into shades and layers
of nothingness,
of everything.

i will feel the currents around me
breathing me in
breathing me out
breathing me being
and i will find silence
and serenity
waiting for me.

a white room,
stark,
blinding,
waiting.
a white room,
where floors blend to walls,
and walls blend to ceilings,
to floors, with nothing filling
or cropping,
or ending the whiteness,
the brightness,
the empty.

until i arrive.

then i will flood and fill
and free the room
with color and life;
purity of passion.
the room will reflect
what i have become.

i will free in my freedom,
learn to be loved by loving,
i will breathe in the breath that will
churn the hardening soul thats inside
back into life.

where can i go?

i can take you with me.
i can heal the people.

i can hold the untouchables.
i can hear those with no voices.
i can see through the darkness to the sinking.

but..

where can i go?

sketches: unfirm

i wave my head around,
act like i'm nuts,
just for a constant,
for something to trust.

something dependable,
safe, whole, and fair.
all those changes were coming
and now they're not there.

i don't understand the new pause that is here,
i'm moving in slow mo,
and i can't stand up straight,
theres no way away,
and i'm starting to ache.

i try to say things
or read messages so wrong
just to get something

whirling back into
its place, just to stay for one
sec and let me breathe.

scared and abandoned,
shaking and raw,
i want something to lean on
so i will not fall.

promises

hold my hand, stay with me.
i'd like to make promises
right back to you, but they're hated,
they fail here, and i can't believe.

no one has kept them,
not only me. things change just
to scare me, but then

when they don't, i can't
wait for the action, i try
to drag it along.

whisper your secrets,
tell me your fears,
but lets not make promises,
they cannot be kept here.

we know this.
we're human.
we trust the unspoken,
and fail belief in the told.

i don't trust us,
i don't believe,
we are not to make promises,
not in this crazy scene.

we know we can't keep them,
now lets not tell old lies,
just to believe in our promises,
which have already died.

sketches: searching

i run outside to
stand in the road beneath the
truth-kissed stars, waiting.

come to me, find me.
i'm calling out to you now.
will you show me life?

its rude to stare

its exhausting, this freak fest,
i don't understand,
when we came here for freedom,
we get whacked and boxed in.

all i can see now is screaming white lights,
flashing in places i don't want to be seen.
i can't understand why they're doing this here,
everyday, all the time, glued to me; blinding.

their eyes burn, their words bite
they chase me to break me
like some sort of missile fire,
aiming to hit me, make sure they get me.

i can't stand it here now
being looked at this way.
being marked on and charted
on every step that i make.

i'm in some sort of test tube,
with little holes in the sides,
enough for me to breathe in,
but not enough to move through.

and i will not stand this,
i can't live things this way.
i won't stay just to get you off
just to piss you off, to get away.

and i just can't stand this,
i can't live things this way.
not when i'm surrounded, and pounded,
just to get to fly free.

sketches: changing

i thought i
was good with change,
could use it,
liked it.
change in my life
was what moved me,
kept me excited,
kept things fun.

change was good..
"good" was change.
right?

but now..
now i'm not all okay with it,
things aren't working out.
i can't change, can't like it.

i know that you've changed,
and changed without me...

i'm not sure if i'm okay with that.

i'm scared. scared of standing still,
scared of moving forwards, backwards.
scared of moving at all.
i'm scared. scared of the same,
scared of changing.

sketches: cold.

the wind tears through me
as i flee from your music,
your passion, your message, your glory.
with it

a chill and a pinpoint, scraping up my spine,
filling up my fingertips, and drowning out my toes,
flooding my heart, and flitting through my mind.
i have this fear in what is left of me, that its killing where it goes.

ooh, a tamale.

for jordan, who wanted a happy poem

the sun is shining, the sky is blue,
i feel so chipper, hey, don't you too?
i ate an apple, it was pretty and green,
i am so happy, i think i could scream.

i love you tomorrow, i love you today,
lets hug in the sunshine, oh hey hey hey.

the world is spinning, just how it does,
its amazing and fizzy, i think i'm in love.
no one can match this feeling of glee,
i'm just way too happy, oh tee hee hee hee.

i love you today, i love you tomorrow,
i don't like to steal, i just like to borrow.

lets pat all the bunnies in that soft fluffy way,
lets hold hands and snuggle, oh what a fun day!
i love to hold faeries, i love all cupcakes,
i wish i were never, no never this fake.

i love you tomorrow, i love you today,
i really am trying, and i mean what i say.

i promise to laugh, at least 12 times a day,
not just small fake ones, but real ones, oh yay!
i'm really not that sad, but so it may seem,
its just that i write when i'm down, so thats seen.

i love you today, i love you tomorrow,
i'm gonna cheer up, no more of this sorrow.

Scared?

I know you’re scared,
You’re scared of something too.
You don’t have to keep on
Looking me in the eye,
I can see it in you,
I’m not looking past you.

I know you’re scared,
But I’m not worried,
Cause we’re both still standing here.



I don’t know why I can’t
Look back at you strongly,
For a small time; its been a long time.
I don’t know why that smirk
Covering up you’re dark eyes
Scares me so badly.

Maybe I’m scared, scared that
Maybe I care about you, loveless.
Maybe I want to see, want you to see.

Maybe its you’re fear,
Or maybe its my fear of knowing
That you don’t know me,
And you’re not scared of me,
And you don’t care about me,
But you keep on staring.




You’re not worried, you don’t care about a thing.
We will see, we will see that you care,
When you care, when you see.




Why do I want to make you see,
See yourself, see me?

Do we know we're scared
And let it be, thinking the other is blind?

What do you see from the darkness?
How can I get inside?



I think I see now, my loveless,
Why you stay staring.
You want me,
Not just to want me,
But you want me to see,
And you want to see me.

crying

(look what i found! i believe i wrote it 8.24.07, but i can't be sure. but still, it made me excited. ehe.)

and again my mouth encircles the words,
but sound disappears in my throat.
again, i look into your eyes, and feel the tears pressured into my own,
but i won’t let them come.

missing you

i walk out of my front door,
just another door, to just another house
and i'm hating this,
because i know where you are,
without all this expectancy, sure clarity.
i'm hating how you cannot have what is
just standing here not for you, but just for me.
why not for you, why just for me?
what makes me so much better than you?
there is nothing here to answer that,
cuz nothing is right, cuz nothing is true,
and i need you living somewhere too.

i stand out right on the curb
not knowing where to run away to
cuz i know where i need to be,
and i'm hating how i can't be there
in you're open arms, and open eyes.
i miss holding on to you,
as you hold on to me in companionship,
you're ready hands and constant smile,
shame me, make me need to be ready, constant;
make me feel impossible.
i turn around and
walk back through that just-a-door.

i want to see how you can see
what the rest of the world is blind to,
i want to know how you know so much
the rest of the world is ignorant of,
i want to know how you live so strongly, out nowhere
when the rest of us are somewhere, but still so lost,
and i want to know how i can get back there,
back to you, back where the world is.

and i want to follow you,
follow you to the reaching swings,
the underdogs that lead you to the sky
that burned on your eyes,
and made us brighter.
i want to follow you to home,
to the community on the
skidded streets,
with hopes needing to be met,
needs resounding.

just this simple love, one true love,
i saw it with my peeled back, shame-filled eyes,
and my learning heart.
and i hate how i feel so scattered,
here in safety, losing your love.

i want to be there, with you now,
as you live amongst the trash and grime
of the careless beasts in blind, new business suits,
but you still glow brighter than all the buildings
reaching into the smogged up sky.

i want to be where you are.
i want to be where you are.
so exalted, but in the lowest of downtown,
i'm missing you and where you are,
and i need to be there,
speaking and being spoken to.

i need to know how
to remember you
when i'm far away,
in my own bed, in my own shame.
and i need to know how to live
like you while i'm here now,
scared to death of
knowing that i'm living the wrong life,
here in my high life.
but its true, and i
don't know what to do.

i'm missing you,
missing out on reaching out,
and i'm missing holding on to you,
as you share the biggest bit of the
purest love with someone who
does not deserve it.
why can't i seem to give it to you?

and i'm hating that i cannot know
if you'll make it on, or make it through,
i'm hating that i can't stand by you and
let you pass on into life along with me.
i'm hating how i'm feeling like
i'm leaving you behind,
and i'm hating how i can't be there,
holding on. i need to go back,
back beside you.

Bubbles

And she,
Admittedly,
Thought about it
A little more,
Feeling that abysmal
Tension come wrap
Around her heart

Covered,
Enveloped, now
Surrounded by
A new secret,
Holding love hostage, not
Able to burn
Out of its hold.

But still
She let it be,
As she knew that
This crushing calm
Was a whole part of the
Enigmatic
Experience.

She felt
Foreign mumblings
Come with this torque
And they told her
That he and she were in
Fact not one, no.
They were apart.

So irrevocably separate,

But still
Trying to grasp
The other in
The only way,
That they had yet to try,
Almost in what
Seemed to be a

Star-crossed desperation.

Despite
This aching, failed
Romance they tripped
Upon, lasting
Seconds, lost so quickly,
They were still so
Crisply alone,

On they’re own.

She had
Tried to come in
His bubble just
As he had tried
To understand her mind,
But it had seemed
To be aimless.

Half-hearted, unfocused and distracted.

If we
Only knew. But
All the same, the
Iridescent,
Clandestine bubbles that
They had joined in
Under and through,

Popped like
A lone eye blink;
Silent, serene,
And effortless
In and of it’s cleansing
of itself there.
Quiet, over.