broken

can it be broken
if it was never made
in the lines, in these lines?
can you break namelessness
until it is named
on this line, in this line?

i turn around,
make up the future,
hope for the worst,
smoked in the pain,
i breathe it to become now,
mix it up,
churn it down.

my broken eyes,
turn what i saw
as my past,
into what i saw
in my future,
which is now.

which is now.

we are,
and these moments are this time.
not last time,
not another time.
and what do they mean
this time?

i haunted us,
by our future,
by my past,
one in the same now,
now in the same one.

taking for granted

it doesn't matter
which way i'm facing or what
lies i'm believing..

telling myself. i'm
still taking you for granted.
i'm in control.

right. but it feels wrong.
do i need you? i'm
starting to believe

the things i've said here.
i start to do it again..
but when your away,

when the granted is
that your gone, and i'm left here,
how will i see you?

hang up.

disappointment.
sorrow.
anger.
what did i expect?
why did i think this time would be different?

why did i hope you would come?
why did i let those hopes soar,
didn't i know you would flake?
why did i wish,
why did i think,
why did i believe something had changed
for the better.

i made chocolates for everyone,
peppermint bark.
the brown paper bag,
is empty now,
all except for your box.
i gave them away,
the named boxes,
and those of whom never came,
we ate.
all except for the chocolate in your box.

why did i keep it there,
why didn't i let us eat it,
why didn't i give yours away,
but someone else's?

why am i holding on to you?
why am i grasping for what we had,
what electrified us?
why will i not let it die?
why do i believe love can't die,
cause i know thats what it was,
for a part of it.
i know it, i felt it, you felt it.
we fell in it, our hands grasped.
i swear i was in love with you,
for even the smallest bit.

we were dreamers,
what are we now?

broken?

what are you afraid of?
why did you lie?
i see it, now
the falsity, right?
just to get me off.
us off.
yourself off?
why do you hate us so?
do you hate yourself too?
what drives you to kill it?
everything,
everything.


hello?, i know its you. but the scary thing is, i didn't recognize your voice.

changes, changes, changes.

did you recognize mine?

in that voice that you may or may not have recognized, i said some stupid stuff. what are you doing?

click..

click..

click..

why didn't you hang up?

i was waiting for that.

you wouldn't talk, but you wouldn't leave it either.

what was said there in that silence?

don't think about it, kenzie. you need to accept what he wants, right? you want this too, you better. right?
thats what i tell myself. don't keep believing in a lasting love among us. don't. why would you? how could you?

but oh.

oh, i know its horrible
but i'm feeling it.
i feel
stringy
gangly
crunchy
gross.
but oh.
but oh.
wheres the harm?
this is missing.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
i call it what i wanted.
all these
eleven,
twelve ages
to get through
to get through to you
past the elephant
that guards you.
guards me.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
oh i beat it,
i won this round.
i had the victory.
i had the higher ground.
i stood above
i stood above you.
oh, i had you,
broke you,
tore you apart.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
to have had you begging,
i didn't taste it till now
the words didn't connect with
what is me.
what is me.
honestly, i didn't know i mattered,
honestly, oh power.

i know its horrible.
but i'm feeling it.
i thought it would feel so much..
better than this,
better than this.
but now that chapter is gone,
and so is your touch.
as we have understood.
i must admit to some fear
in this one uncertainty.

i know it is horrible...
i am feeling it.

singular moments: the sand and the strangeness

the wreckage leaves me aching.

i screwed it up, something is not right.

its him, hes gone now, and what have i done?

its you, whats with us now, my friend?

no words this time.

they surround you, all of them, am i one of them? all you can do is hold your head in your hands, they back away and i defend you from the glaring sun, my fingers through your hair, you need comfort, you need protection, i will try to be here for you. i'll try to be with you.

your foot. between my two feet, there is space though, inches on either side. it moves, it rubs the side of my shoe on its way to push the sand. push the sand against my other foot. pat, pat.

my feet, your foot.
touching.

you stop though, abruptly.

you look up into my eyes.. why am i melting?

this shouldn't be happening, not here, not now.. not us, not like this.

but it is.

but its not.

something is happening, quickly and breathlessly.

was it their coming, their commotion, was it the pushing the shoving?

or was it me?
just being there?

you leave. i leave. we're gone.


its not the same for the rest of this day, the eye contact is fleeting..

i feel unsure.

singular moments: i'm with you.

(before: the people around me and that one guy repeatedly ask, are you two going out? how many times must i tell them no? thats all i say, no fighting now. that one guy turns to me however, are we?. didn't i explain to him why we weren't, i actually let him in on the pain, and.. oh they just don't listen. i scurry away to you.)

the top of your head against my temple,
your forehead against my cheekbone,
we lean into each other as we whisper.

we are the loudest whisperers in the world.

i don't really mind in this moment however,
part of me wants our subject to overhear.

why is your boyfriend still here?, you say with a tad bit of venom.

he's not my boyfriend., i say automatically, i've been saying it repeatedly. i want you to know who he's not.

well then, why is that guy still here?

i don't know. why don't you like him?

he always shoves me over and takes my spot so he can sit by you. who is he anyways? i felt a tinge of.. something on that one. good questions..

i told him i was crazy, he said crazy was fine as long as its not weird crazy. oh well, i knew it was over before it began.

later.

he's really starting to piss me off, he won't leave me alone. whoops. why did he have to walk by? no matter, i'm glad you heard it, you were there.

later.

i'm angry, you follow me as i storm out. you ask me why i'm upset, pissed; you just have to look into my eyes.

talk talk talk.

i'm with you. me: blank.

i'm with you. i just smile, what am i supposed to do? has anyone ever said that to me? besides, all the other guy can manage is, cute hat. give me a break.

(but what do i want?)

where can i go?

where can i go to scream
and no one will hear me,
no one will worry or wonder or wish?
i'll sound my voice out
ringing over mountains
and valleys
and rivers and branches of trees,
not these schools surrounding,
with their processes
to perfectly squelch our spirits,
not the tastes i can't exude,
not the loves i cannot give,
not the fires i cannot light,
not the eyes brimming
with sadness
and no way to dry them.
somewhere for me,
where i can hear myself.

maybe someone will feel me,
the vibrations of my voice;
the breath coursing in a single,
wild burst;
the air swelling out of my lungs
to you, to the people, to the wonders,
to fill the earth up,
or my world, our world
(what world is that?)
with my myriad of wobbling, worn out passions.

where can i go to howl out of myself
to release this anguish and anger and fight
these frightening falsities and fantasies
and everything blocking my throat?

where can i be myself and just let all this out,
explode and not crumble
stand and stay fast to the earth
as i release in a yawp the darkness inside me
so i can renew and replenish and patch up
the holes it has speared through my soul?

where can i go?

once i'm all yelled out,
and still no one can hear me,
or see me,
or leave me,
or love me.
once i have quieted and
the darkness of my soul has
evacuated,

i shall float
and flit
and flounce
out of my mind,
out of myself,
into shades and layers
of nothingness,
of everything.

i will feel the currents around me
breathing me in
breathing me out
breathing me being
and i will find silence
and serenity
waiting for me.

a white room,
stark,
blinding,
waiting.
a white room,
where floors blend to walls,
and walls blend to ceilings,
to floors, with nothing filling
or cropping,
or ending the whiteness,
the brightness,
the empty.

until i arrive.

then i will flood and fill
and free the room
with color and life;
purity of passion.
the room will reflect
what i have become.

i will free in my freedom,
learn to be loved by loving,
i will breathe in the breath that will
churn the hardening soul thats inside
back into life.

where can i go?

i can take you with me.
i can heal the people.

i can hold the untouchables.
i can hear those with no voices.
i can see through the darkness to the sinking.

but..

where can i go?