missing you

i walk out of my front door,
just another door, to just another house
and i'm hating this,
because i know where you are,
without all this expectancy, sure clarity.
i'm hating how you cannot have what is
just standing here not for you, but just for me.
why not for you, why just for me?
what makes me so much better than you?
there is nothing here to answer that,
cuz nothing is right, cuz nothing is true,
and i need you living somewhere too.

i stand out right on the curb
not knowing where to run away to
cuz i know where i need to be,
and i'm hating how i can't be there
in you're open arms, and open eyes.
i miss holding on to you,
as you hold on to me in companionship,
you're ready hands and constant smile,
shame me, make me need to be ready, constant;
make me feel impossible.
i turn around and
walk back through that just-a-door.

i want to see how you can see
what the rest of the world is blind to,
i want to know how you know so much
the rest of the world is ignorant of,
i want to know how you live so strongly, out nowhere
when the rest of us are somewhere, but still so lost,
and i want to know how i can get back there,
back to you, back where the world is.

and i want to follow you,
follow you to the reaching swings,
the underdogs that lead you to the sky
that burned on your eyes,
and made us brighter.
i want to follow you to home,
to the community on the
skidded streets,
with hopes needing to be met,
needs resounding.

just this simple love, one true love,
i saw it with my peeled back, shame-filled eyes,
and my learning heart.
and i hate how i feel so scattered,
here in safety, losing your love.

i want to be there, with you now,
as you live amongst the trash and grime
of the careless beasts in blind, new business suits,
but you still glow brighter than all the buildings
reaching into the smogged up sky.

i want to be where you are.
i want to be where you are.
so exalted, but in the lowest of downtown,
i'm missing you and where you are,
and i need to be there,
speaking and being spoken to.

i need to know how
to remember you
when i'm far away,
in my own bed, in my own shame.
and i need to know how to live
like you while i'm here now,
scared to death of
knowing that i'm living the wrong life,
here in my high life.
but its true, and i
don't know what to do.

i'm missing you,
missing out on reaching out,
and i'm missing holding on to you,
as you share the biggest bit of the
purest love with someone who
does not deserve it.
why can't i seem to give it to you?

and i'm hating that i cannot know
if you'll make it on, or make it through,
i'm hating that i can't stand by you and
let you pass on into life along with me.
i'm hating how i'm feeling like
i'm leaving you behind,
and i'm hating how i can't be there,
holding on. i need to go back,
back beside you.